Psychosis
by Huldra
Summary: It's the summer of '79 and Sirius Black is on top of his life. One night he encounters a person whom he has tried hard to forget, a Severus Snape, and realizes he might just have a darker taint to him, one he would not like to admit.
1. Hallucinations

**Title:** Psychosis**  
Author: **Huldra  
**Disclaimer:** I do not in any way own Sirius Black, Severus Snape or any other magical person appearing in these stories.

**Summary: **It's the summer of '79 and Sirius Black is on top of his life. One night he encounters a person whom he has tried hard to forget, a Severus Snape, and realizes he might just have a darker taint to him, one he would not like to admit.

**Notes:** This is a freestanding _**sequel**_ to **Sanity and Insanity**, but can be read on its own.**  
Warning:** This is rated high for a reason; there will be slash, violent themes, alcohol and drug abuse.

* * *

**Hallucinations**

It was night and the full moon hung high in the sky. A shudder ran through my body, the hair on my neck stood like shackles. It was early in summer and a chilly draft managed to sneak over the floor and under my clothes. What had originally seemed like a thrilling assignment had turned out to be a complete bore. I should have been together with Remus and help him calm the beast. But instead I was stuck in an old manor all alone, waiting for something that was obviously not going to happen.

Dumbledore had said it was just the perfect duty for me, surveillance, but I found him to be quite wrong. I loved the thrill and the game of action and waiting between dusty old books was really not my thing at all. Apparently this house stood in danger of getting a call from a few Death Eaters, curious to snoop through the research done by the man who lived here. He had come to Dumbledore, an old acquaintance (and just as barmy as the Headmaster himself), with his worries about the safety of his home. The Order of the Phoenix had immediately been set on the case, and so here I was, lounging in an old threadbare chair, waiting for nothing. I couldn't even light a candle; much less start a fire to keep the cold from seeping into my very bones. The full moon outside made every shadow ominous and hostile, and the house moaned and creaked as it got abused by the strong winds.

Finally I sighed dejectedly, a lonely sound in the big room, and got up from my chair. I had been sitting in it for over an hour and my body felt stiff. When I stretched to pop some joints my stomach gave a loud, angry growl. I patted it reassuringly and moved to the door, nothing was going to happen anyway so why not indulge myself and borrow a few things from the kitchen? I wasn't getting paid for the job so a bit of food was the least they could give me. Navigating the stairs in the dark was an expected difficulty and I found myself grateful for the high moon even if it was unsettling. The house had become familiar to me since I had been living there for three days already, waiting for no one to show up, and the first thing I had put on my priority list was to find out where the kitchen was.

Cringing at the loud noise of the door into the enchanted cold-room, I quietly pinched a sausage, some cheese and the last piece of chocolate cake. There was plenty of hard bread, and though I usually toasted it, I made do with heating it carefully with my wand. It was not a royal meal, but being jobless, young, and most importantly, hungry, I couldn't find it in me to mind much.

After Hogwarts my only dream had been to become an auror. Unfortunately I had failed spectacularly on my Potions N.E.W.T.s and any glories involving billowing auror cloaks had faded quickly. But on the day of my graduation Dumbledore had approached me and asked if I wanted to help fighting in the civil war in another way, and of course I had accepted. Thus I became a member of the Order of the Phoenix together with James, Remus, Peter, Lily, Alice, Frank and almost everyone else graduating from Gryffindor house that year.

The next months had been chaotic, to say the least. James and Lily had tied the knot mere weeks after the graduation, and I had proudly stood as best man. Their decision to get married had been rushed, but everything was rushed these days. What had surprised me was Lily finally getting over her dislike of James and accepting his many advantages. It had really been an out of the blue sort of thing and had stunned James so badly he hadn't known what to do with himself.

Remus lived together with me since he had been unable to enter any apprenticeships with his curse. He had yet to complain about it, but I knew it agitated him greatly. During school, study had been so important to him, and now all that hard work had been for naught. No one wanted him because of something that happened to him when he had been a helpless child.

Lily had been the only one of us, together with Alice and Frank of course, who had had the opportunity to go on as Auror apprentices, but she had opted not to, rather concentrating on her healing magic. Of all the four marauders, Peter was the only one currently employed, working diligently in a bookshop in Diagonalley.

James, on the other hand, meant that with his inherited fortune it would have been a shame on his ancestors to get a job, but I knew, as I knew with Remus, that he was disappointed with his final scores at school. We had all been surprised by them since James had without a doubt been the most brilliant student. I supposed Lily's sudden advantages had thrown him so much off course he hadn't even been able to concentrate on his N.E.W.T.s

I sat at the kitchen table in the dark, chewing slowly on my hard bread that was no longer warm. There was no way Dumbledore would be able to talk me into doing _this_ again, that was for sure. Remus was a guy much more suited for these kinds of assignments, with his patience and unwavering belief in the cause. I think it was only when he talked about the war that I truly got to see the passion in his eyes. It changed him in a way, made him dangerous. That's not to say I believed any less than him, but it would be difficult to reach the same level of passion. He was good to have in the house too, diligently cleaning up after himself. Truth being told; he was quite effective in cleaning up after _everyone_, and that was why all the parties were hosted at my house.

I don't know exactly when the war started to change Remus. Perhaps it was half a year or so after our graduation. On the surface he was still the same gentle, young man he had always been, yet his temperament exploded unexpectedly. It could be a regular conversation where both parties were making jokes and he would turn around 180 degrees and bite you off for something completely random. James thought it was because of his disappointment in the society after he graduated. It was just too much hurt pride to swallow all at once. I couldn't blame him; I felt my own blood boil.

Rising from the table I stumbled over to the cabinet to retrieve a glass. After filling it up with cold water I took two gulps before changing my mind and set it down with a lonely clank on the counter. The kitchen hadn't been the only part of the house that I had mapped out. In order to effectively survey the house I of course needed to know every nook and corner. I had placed wards on all the key rooms such as the library, study and basement. In the basement was the manor's wine cellar. _Very_ important for the mission. In fact, I should have checked on it a long time ago.

I could use my wand in the basement since it had no external windows, but I still had to be careful. It was cold and damp, and if possible even more eerie than the rest of the house. It might not have sported beheaded house elves, but I sure wouldn't have liked to live in this manor either. Despite all that, nothing could be said against the wine cellar. Browsing the shelves of wine I decided on a rather new and not as expensive looking bottle. I did have some shame, after all, no matter what Remus might think of the matter.

Back in the kitchen I carefully raided every cabinet trying to locate a wine glass, but to no avail. Giving up I merely used my previous glass and threw myself down by the kitchen table again. It made for a lonesome party. The wine, though not as exquisite as the other bottles, still tasted quite good and made the entire business a little less wasted.

When I downed my second glass I had decided that it could be worse. And by the fourth I had the opinion that it was quite enjoyable, all things considered. Just as I was pouring my seventh glass I stopped, staring at my wand lying on the table beside me. It was glowing. It was glowing purple in fact. I knew this was supposed to mean something, but I wasn't entirely sure _what_. A ward had been triggered, that much I knew, and the light was supposed to indicate where in the grand manor the intruder was located. The only problem was that I had forgotten which room the colours belonged to.

Rising up from my chair I carefully walked into the hallway and just listened. It was difficult through the beating rush in my ears, but I was certain that the intruder knew what he was doing. With a tight grip on my wand I conjured up my patronus and sent him on his way. I could probably have handled the Death Eater myself, but I had explicit orders to always call for back up.

Turning towards the stairs again I knew that my drunken human senses would not be able to track down the intruder in time, and so I crouched expertly down on all fours and gave a long sniff. Not too far away, probably second floor. Of course! The Death Eater had headed directly for the study where the research papers were most likely to be. This person must have been well prepared.

As I closed in on the study room I swore internally when I heard how loud my claws were against the floorboard. Neither could I walk on the carpet as I knew that part of the floor had a habit of creaking horribly. Swiftly I went back up on two legs, leaning against the wall I tried to use my human senses to listen to whoever it was in the other room. So silent, I couldn't hear anything. But my dog instincts had told me with quite certainty that this was indeed the room containing an intruder. I noticed then while sneaking further down the hall that I had left the study door open, and there were no light in the hallway. Excellent. That meant I could peek into the room without breaking any light and alert the Death Eater.

Holding the wand tightly in my hand I was glad that this adrenaline rush had made me somewhat sober. I shuddered to imagine how it could have been if I had drunk the entire bottle.

Peeking through the crack I could only see a slimmer of the room, but it would have been suicidal, or at the very least _very_ stupid, to open it any further. Luck was on my side, though, for only a couple seconds later a long shadow moved into my view. The person was clothed in a long black cloak nearly brushing the floor. He, because I couldn't really imagine a female Death Eater no matter how hard I tried, carefully shifted through the papers he found in the books lining the wall. He had been ever so silent and vigilant until now, but I could see that he was losing his patience. Instead of putting the papers back in its proper place he was stuffing them in, even throwing them onto the floor. I let him get carried away by the search a bit more, so I could surprise him when he was the least aware.

And there it was. He started swearing at himself in a hushed voice, his boots thumping carelessly against the floor while he moved, and the cloak billowed around him like an ominous cloud. Should I wait for back up? But he was only one person; it would be ridiculous if I couldn't take him down on my own.

He had turned away from the door and was leaning against the desk in defeat. Perfect. Kicking open the door I had the wand drawn and the _stupefy_ on my lips. Yet he was faster than I had prepared for, whirling around with his wand glowing green.

"_Avada keda-_"

But he never finished. His black eyes widened in surprise as he recognized me in the light. The hood of his cloak had fallen off in his momentum and for some reason he was not wearing one of the uniform Death Eater masks. He had been the last person I had thought I'd encounter. The sentiment must have been mutual, for his mouth fell open slightly before he shut it with a snap.

My body felt weak and I merely wanted to sag down to the floor. I let my wand arm fall down. He mirrored my action, though hesitant. Taking a step backwards, he threw a fast glance at the open window and ran for it. All I could see was the silken cloth twirl before he threw himself out into the cold night.

And just like that, Severus Snape was back in my life.

Carefully I tried to rationalize my reaction. My brain was still foggy after the alcohol and it went slowly. There had been two obsessive weeks during sixth grade, completely devoid of any rational thought on my part, and I suppose from his too. Every day had been filled with dangerous and hateful things, but for some reason I never quite felt so loved in any other part of my life. I never spoke of it to anyone after Severus and I wrote each other out of our lives. Everyone who had been aware pretend it had never happened. They might actually have forgotten too, what would I know? Maybe they thought I had forgotten too.

With the window open and the wind surging into the room the coldness should have bothered me, but as it was, it only helped to fortify my shaken state of mind.

The memories suddenly invading my mind had happened two years ago. I had continued to attend school with Severus and I had been perfectly fine with that. Eventually I had to conclude that it was the surprise that had triggered it. I hadn't stared into those eyes since the last time we talked.

He had been surprised too, or else he would have let the kedavera go.

There were footsteps on the staircase out in the hall; I had not heard them enter the door so they must have aparated directly. What had taken them so long? Slowly I rose from the chair I had fallen into, just in time to see them walk through the study door, eyes open and wands drawn.

'What's the status, Black?' barked Moody while his two beady eyes scanned the room and gathered all the information he needed.

'He got away, sir. When I got up here he was already on his way out the window.'

Moody narrowed his eyes while the other Order members began searching through the room, checking whether the Death Eater had managed to take any documents with him. I might have been able to fool them, but not in a hundred years would I have been able to fool someone like Moody. Walking up to me with an unbelievable stealth for someone like him he sniffed me in the face and anger flashed briefly in his eyes.

'If you want to continue as a usable Order member I suggest you stop drinking on duty, understood?' he whispered in my ear so that the others wouldn't hear. I nodded dumbly, feeling a faint blush warm my face.

Maybe that was it; I had had too much to drink and it had befuddled my judgment. It having been Severus under the cloak had nothing to do with it. I'd like to believe that.


	2. Talking To Yourself

**Talking To Yourself**

The bed dipped and I woke slowly, annoyed that he was taking all the warmth with him. I could hear rather than see him stretch, joints cracking, and a relieved sigh escape him. Bare feet padded across the floor and a bathroom door closed. My head felt heavy and far from ready to get up, and so I let myself fall asleep again.

Lips brushed across my cheek and forehead; he murmured something to the extent of "goodbye, see you tomorrow." I mumbled my goodbyes, trying my hardest to sound intelligible and somewhat caring.

Downstairs a couple of hours later I found Remus by the kitchen table, pouring over the Daily Prophet. A steaming mug of tea stood untouched beside him. He looked haggard. With a sinking feeling I remembered that the fullmoon had been yesterday. My heart was about to leave through my bowels.

'How are you feeling?' I asked, trying to cover over my bad guilt with a chipper tone. He merely shrugged a shoulder and turned a page. 'You know I would have been there if I could, but Dumbledore-'

'I've already heard all about your "surveillance". What with the wine and all,' murmured Remus and a faint smile flickered across his face. 'You're insufferable.'

'Do you want me to make you something?' I continued to prod. Remus looked like something had eaten him and spat him out again. Pallid complexion, deep blue rings under his eyes and he moved like an old man with rheumatism. 'I hope he didn't wake you this morning?'

'Klemet?' asked Remus. Upon my nod he just shook his head. 'No he's a really nice guy. We ate, well, _he _ate and I watched, and chatted a bit. Apparently he's worried about you and your drinking. A really nice guy.' Remus stressed the last part, trying to stare intently at me, but his eyes crossed a bit and he returned to the paper. Klemet Keskitalo had used to be a star chaser on the Norwegian Quidditch team Karasjok Kites, but got bought up by Montrose Magpies. Consequently he moved to Britain. We had met as a coincidence and after a lot of misunderstood intentions had been seeing each other for over two months. In my book that was quite an achievement. Remus was right; Klemet was a _really nice guy_. Which reminded me of someone not so nice. I stood leaning against the kitchen counter, sipping my hot coffee, wondering how to breach the subject when Remus unknowingly did it for me. 'Back to that entire incident with the wine,' he began, and then stopped himself, trying to search for the right words. 'You might think yourself invincible, but you're not. You could so easily have been killed. Doing magic while intoxicated is a very bad idea.' I half crossed my arms by resting one hand on the one preoccupied by holding my coffee.

'Well, I hadn't really expected anything to happen at that point,' I said. I knew defending myself was worthless, I had messed up. 'But….' My resolve failed me.

'But what?' asked Remus. Pushing the paper away and leaning back in his chair he looked intently at me. Remus was good at giving undivided attention.

'I think maybe- ….maybe I know who it was. The Death Eater that is.'

I had to say it to _someone_, and the only one I could confide in was Remus. There was something in Remus that kept him from judging anyone. Perhaps because he was so acutely aware of being judged himself. Whatever it was, he was now sitting straight, his otherwise brown eyes pale with pain. He was curious. The longer I hesitated in my answer, the darker his expression became. Eventually he took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

'Snape?' he asked. My silence confirmed it. 'Sirius-'

'No!' I interrupted him, not knowing what he was about to say, but I knew I wouldn't like to hear it. 'I just thought…. And I was drunk… could have been anyone, really.'

'You wouldn't have told me this if you wasn't absolutely certain,' countered Remus reasonably. 'What are you going to do about it? Tell Moody- …or Dumbledore?'

'I _could_ do that,' I nodded, 'but I am not sure what good it will do. Snape will make sure to keep a low profile, now.' A shadow passed across Remus' face again.

'You just discovered the identity of a Death Eater and you're telling me you're going to keep it a secret?'

Perhaps telling Remus hadn't been the wisest idea after all. Eventually I gave a casual shrug and told him I'd inform Dumbledore when I had the time. Remus probably wanted to comment that if there was something I had a bit _too_ much of, it was time, but he snapped his mouth shut and returned to the neglected paper.

* * *

A few days passed pretty uneventfully and I had nearly managed to forget the entire incident when someone knocked on my door. I had been engrossed in my firewhiskey submarines and playing exploding snap with myself, and the knock had me startling half a meter into the air. Remus was visiting James and Lily and so I was alone in the big house. Instantly wary, I grabbed my wand and hid in the shadows by the door. Every ward that could possibly be raised was set around the house. None of them howled, the visitor had not been thrown into the air and set into flames. In other words: no one hostile. At least not yet. There was another knock, hesitant and slow. The person was not entirely certain whether he or she really wanted to visit. Maybe it was Klemet? But he usually just flooed right in since he was allowed past my wards. A thousand scenarios went through my head before I peeked through the spyhole. None of them fit. On the other side of the door stood a skinnier, paler and more dignified version of myself.

'What in Merlin's underpants?' I whispered to myself and undid the numerous locks to open the door. 'Regulus, what-?'

Regulus made a motion to hush me down, waving his hand and putting a finger in front of his lips. He peered into the hallway, then behind himself, and then finally at me. I stepped aside to let him in. He stood studying everything while I redid the locks. Eventually he turned, smiled, and then put on the stone mask of propriety that I had become so familiar with.

'This is where you live?' he said. 'I just realized I haven't visited you before.'

'No,' I conceded, 'you haven't had a reason to, until now, apparently. What do you want?'

'Can't I visit my brother without there having to be some scheme behind it?' he asked with a bitter pinch around his mouth.

'You're a Slytherin _and_ a Black,' I pointed out, 'of course there's something more to it. You don't even like me.'

'That's not true,' he countered, then hesitated. 'I haven't seen you since Father's funeral. I am done with school and things- …well things are _different_.'

'Don't you have _friends_?' I asked. I was feeling ridiculous for standing out in the hallway arguing with my brother, yet I didn't want to invite him in. He was never anything but perfectly dignified. Hair neatly cropped and styled, robes immaculate and he was standing in a fashion that said he could be doing so for weeks without tiring. Good breeding, relatives would say, nice work. Had he only once let the façade fall I might have been able to understand him. 'Why don't you go frolicking around with Snape or some such?' Something in what I said must have taken him by surprise for his eyes widened a fraction. Then he smiled again.

'Why did you mention _him_ of all people?' he asked, 'other people would perhaps have thought about the Lestranges or the Malfoys before a half-blood like _Snape_.'

Something in me snapped and my temperament rose acutely. 'Don't you come into my home and spew such shit,' I growled, very much aware I was still holding my wand. Sparks shot out at its end.

'I thought you hated him?' said Regulus, on the surface unaffected by my threatening stance. 'You two are all too obsessed with each other,' he sighed, brushing the right hand through his hair. A peace offering; he was at the moment wandless. I stuffed my own in my pocket. 'On the highly few occasions I speak with you, you always end up mentioning him. And whenever I talk to him, it's either your brother is a pig this, or your brother is a bastard that. I did not come here to discuss Severus, however.'

Whatever he had come to discuss was never revealed, for just as I relented and was about to properly invite him in, the floo grates opened. Regulus was instantly on guard, his hand straying to the pocket that most probably contained his wand. Just before snatching it he remembered himself and made a conscious effort to right his appearance. Few people had access to my floo, so I wasn't all too surprised to see Peter in the doorway into the living room. He, on the other hand, was shocked to see what was going on in the hallway. Regulus didn't even deign him worthy of a look.

'Well, I was just about to leave anyway,' he lied. Trying to pass a sneer of as a smile, he brushed passed me. I noticed with slight annoyance that we were of height now. A polite cough reminded me I had to undo the locks if he was to get through that door. The silence between the three of us was heavy and awkward, and I vented a sigh of relief when Regulus finally left.

'I never thought I'd see him here,' said Peter, 'sorry if I interrupted something.'

'Nah. No, that's alright. You didn't,' I mumbled, preoccupied. 'I wasn't even aware he knew where I lived…. Anyway! What say ye to a good ol' butterbeer, or better yet, firewhiskey submarines?'

* * *

'You wanted to talk to me about something?' There glinted in gold, twinkled in bells and the smell of sherbet hung in the air. I turned around and wasn't particularly surprised to find Dumbledore. What did unnerve me, however, was his question.

'No…. not really,' I answered as best as I could, trying to remember having ever asked him for anything.

'Are you certain?' said Dumbledore again, an amiable smile on his face. Of course he knew about everything that had transpired at the manor and wanted to chastise me. But Dumbledore never scolded anyone, merely appealed to their bad guilt and had them chastise themselves in the end. Dumbledore needn't stress himself on that account; I had no bad guilt and his manipulative ways wasn't going to work. I gave him a dazzling smile and shrugged my shoulder. 'You see, it has come to my attention that you were able to identify the Death Eater.' My smile stiffened, I tried not to let it fade.

'Oh?' I merely asked, forcing a fake laugh. 'Whoever gave you that idea?' _Remus, I am going to kill you._ A frown creased Dumbledore's already wrinkled forehead. My intuition told me not to meet his gaze, and so I busied myself levitating the dishes over to the sink.

'You would tell me if there ever was something you thought the Order needed to know, wouldn't you Sirius?'

The question hit a nerve and I nearly dropped a mug. My stomach felt cold and the chill spread through my body. What loyalties did I owe Severus? _Snape_. Snivellus Snape. He hadn't killed me. Well, that was no excuse; I hadn't killed him either. He was bloody stupid becoming a Death Eater. Delving into Dark Arts after- …after everything. He should have known better. Suddenly anger seized me. 'It was Snape,' I ground out, snapping my wand too quickly and two plates crashed into each other. 'I am pretty certain it was Snape.'

There was a long moment of silence where I was just too aware of Dumbledore standing behind me, watching me do the dishes. At least Molly would be happy. The Burrow was a cozy little house, already filled to the brim by Arthur, Molly and their five kids. They had invited a few selected from the Order for dinner, and Dumbledore had most probably invited himself. "_I have to say proper hallo to my future students,_" he had claimed, throwing himself down with the twins on the floor.

But as it were, Dumbledore now patted me on the shoulder, still remaining silent. Either he had known all along and was disappointed it had taken me such a long time to confess, or I might have given him something to think about. I left the kitchen without speaking anymore to him, trying to locate James and Lily to get my mind off things.

* * *

The smoke wafting off the numerous cigars made the view inside the Three Broomsticks foggy. The pub was decorated entirely in black and white. Enchanted magpies flew across the room, cawing. It was Saturday and the place was packed with witches and wizards. The Magpies had just won against the Kenmare Kestrels and the celebrations were reaching their peak just after midnight. Klemet was hanging around my shoulder, laughing at something I had just said but already forgotten. His dark brown hair was messily glued to his head by old sweat from the game, and his blue eyes glinted merrily. He said something I couldn't hear over the din and kissed me on the cheek. It was rare of him to show such affections in public, he had to be pissed off his ass. Everyone who was something were present, even types such as the brothers Lestrange. If anyone was dedicated to the game of Quidditch, it was them. You couldn't go to a game in Britain without bumping into them. Apparently they had lost a large chunk of their fortune on betting. It was a scandal I heard.

James was climbing on top of a table with Lily halfheartedly trying to make sure he wouldn't fall and break his neck. He was waving a pint of beer around, sloshing the contents all over the nearest spectators.

'Ladies and gentlemen!' he roared, then coughed a bit and tried again, 'LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

The room gradually silenced as those sober enough to understand that something was going on elbowed the people standing next to them.

'Ok,' continued James, swaying slightly and taking a huge sip of his beer, spilling half of it down his black and white robes. 'This is not really a speech, as such, I just wanted to say how much I love all of you guys and-'

Here he was interrupted by a drunken chorus of people assuring him they loved him in return.

'-annnnd, and… and! And the only people I love more than you guys are the fantastic MONTROSE MAGPIES! LET'S HEAR IT EVERYONE!'

As one everyone began singing, waving their pints in the air more or less in unison. Crying, hugging and singing. For a while I roared the words together with everyone else, but if it was the noise, the alcohol, the smoke or a mix of it all, I suddenly felt violently sick. Taking a couple of deep breaths I tried to collect myself, but realized it was soon out of my control. Unhooking Klemet's grip around my neck I gesticulated vaguely towards the toilet and started inching that way. It came over me in waves. Everyone soon recognized my predicament and was quickly out of my way. It didn't take long for me to cross the room on my swaying legs. The corridor outside the restrooms was a lot quieter with only a couple of stragglers standing there collecting themselves much like I did. I was hoping I wouldn't have to say goodbye to all the delicious alcohol in my stomach, but just as I was certain things had calmed down the first cramp hit. With practiced precision I stumbled into the restroom, kicked open a cubicle door and spewed violently into the toilet. I kept on heaving until I was on my knees, weakly hanging over the bowl. The taste of burning whiskey and acid in my mouth had me shivering with distaste.

Some time passed where I just sat breathing and spitting into the bowl. Eventually I managed to crawl up on my shaking legs again. How embarrassing. Letting the tap run for a while I splashed the icy cold water all over my face and scrubbed hard. Time to half way sober up. I drank deeply before gurgling the water and spitting it out, trying my hardest to get the sickening taste of stomach acid out of my mouth.

With a couple more deep breaths I looked in the mirror. Damn, I was handsome. Smiling to myself I felt my heart skip a beat. Whoever bagged me was one hell of a lucky guy. I'd have to inform Klemet of that later. And Remus, probably, since he needed to be grateful that he was allowed to stay in the house with such a good looking fellow as myself. I could easily spend the rest of the night just staring in the mirror. I was busy leaning over the sink, getting as close as I could, when I felt something long, stiff and hard in the small of my back. I could hardly blame whoever it was, but the size of it seemed sorely disappointing. A bit too thin, to be frank, more like a- more like a _wand_.

'Finally falling in love with yourself, are you Black?' questioned a sarcastic voice in my ear. The tip of the wand moved from my back to my neck, mutely commanding me not to move. Searching the mirror I tried to find the identity of the speaker, but he was clever enough to stay away from the reflection. 'I hear you've been asking about me,' continued the voice. Having somewhat sobered up by the discovery of being on the end of an enemy wand, I finally manage to recognize it.

'Snape,' I said, and it was not a question. He laughed silently and removed his wand, allowing me to turn around. My assumption had been completely right. The only thing revealing that he was just as intoxicated as myself was his slow blinking. Otherwise he stood straight, wand casually resting in his palm and he was dressed like a Magpie fan in black robes and a white scarf. 'I didn't know you were a Quidditch fan,' I said, finally managing to grasp at something that made a bit more sense than everything else. Quidditch always made sense. Snape shrugged.

'I'm not really,' he said, 'Rabastan dragged me along. It's a real bore.'

I pointed a finger at him and tried to look stern, 'Quidditch is _never_ boring.' Snape opened his mouth to retaliate when the sound of someone pushing open the door to the restroom stilled the both of us. With a huff Snape grabbed the front of my robes and pushed me into a shadowed corner. He waved his wand and the shadows deepened, becoming more physical. We stood completely still while the man stumbled into a cubicle, pissed and stumbled out again. 'He could have washed his hands,' I scoffed.

'Silence, you' ordered Snape, shoving his wand painfully hard against my cheek. 'I want to know if you've told anyone about seeing me at the manor.'

'Why should I tell _you_ if I did or didn't?'

'You have a point,' said Snape, half-musingly, 'I'll kill you no matter what you answer.'

'Come off it,' I muttered. 'If you wanted to kill me you would have done so, then.'

'You're awfully smug for someone who has a Death Eater's wand pointing at their head.'

His words trickled like syrup through my drunkenness, but finally the meaning stood clearly in front of me. We had had that argument a couple of times before, in sixth grade, and I had been livid he'd waste his talents on Dark Arts. Something in me had perhaps always hoped he'd never actually join the Death Eaters, but apparently I had been wrong. Lily had been right in getting the hell away from him while she still had the chance, just like Dumbledore had insinuated. But whatever else it might be, his new associations had done something to him. He stood tall, eyes not wavering away from mine, a cockish smile gracing his lips. It might also have been because he was drunk; his breath smelled strongly of whiskey. Yet the air around him seemed charged with something. Ignoring the wand, I cupped Severus' cheek and leaned in so close our noses nearly bumped. I wanted to kiss him. Severus blinked slowly, his long, black lashes curiously interesting to me. I kissed him. Closing my eyes everything swirled around me, making me dizzy. The pain of the wand disappeared and was replaced by a strong grip around my neck. It was neither pulling me away nor pushing me closer, merely kept me in place. Leaning Severus' head to the side it allowed us to deepen the kiss. With a dull thud he hit the tiled wall behind him. Moving both my hands to his torso I tried to find some contours under the robes, but as always found myself surprised at how small he seemed inside all the fabric. I broke the kiss to stare at him some more. His lips were red from the kiss.

'Merlin, how I've missed you,' I whispered. Severus might have had a reply, but the doors opened to interrupt us once more.

'Sirius?' called a familiar voice. 'Are you there?' Klemet was closing the door behind himself, peering into the enchanted darkness that we were hiding in. I took a step forward.

'I was just talking to-' I had turned to point out Severus, but he had disappeared together with his shadow.

'Yourself?' offered Klemet and snickered.

'Yeah,' I consented, and smiled.


	3. Anger

**Anger **

Klemet laughed. It resonated between the tiled restroom walls. He hung all over me, nearly too drunk to stand on his own feet. He sure took to alcohol badly for being a muscled chaser. Something wet pecked my neck and it took a couple of confused seconds before I realized it was Klemet kissing me. My lips were still pounding after the heated kiss I had just recently shared with Severus. Craning my neck I pretended it was to give Klemet better access, but it also allowed me to see behind myself. Peering at the dark shadow I saw Severus slowly materialize. He stood leaning up against the wall, arms folded across his chest and he cocked an eyebrow. I'd wipe the smug smile off his face if my arms hadn't been full of too-drunk boyfriend.

'What do you say to getting ourselves home?' I asked Klemet instead. He murmured something I interpreted as a positive answer. 'But only if you're sober enough to remember where I live.'

Klemet stopped his sloppy ministrations on my neck and glared hazily at me before mumbling something in Norwegian. It was hard to tell, but I thought it had to be some sort of swearing. 'Why?' he finally asked in English. 'I know where you live.'

'Then tell me, where do I live?' The alcoholic haze had begun to diminish and I could finally see things around me as singular objects instead of twos. I was also feeling really clever, asking Klemet for my address.

'You're an idiot,' contradicted Klemet my inner voice and then sighed. 'Fine. You live in a blue house just at the end of Phoenix Street, number 13, Godric's Hollow, United Kingdom. It's the house with all the garbage in the yard and with a grumbling Werewolf on the porch. Do I get to fuck you now?'

There was a soft snort behind me, but Klemet didn't seem to hear it.

The next day found the sun shining in through the bedroom window. It was the first really hot day that summer and warmed up the room until I was sweating so profusely I woke up. I was lying on my stomach; spread eagle with Klemet sprawled on top of me. He was snoring softly and the salty tang of his sweat stuck to my gums. Something was churning in the back of my head, but I couldn't really catch it. It had bothered me during the entire night like a buzzing mosquito. Finally it fell in place.

'Hey,' I grumbled, bumping Klemet until he began moving. 'Wake up.'

'Hae?' groaned Klemet, rolling off me and scrunching up his face at the punishing light of the sun.

'How did you know Remus was a werewolf?'

'Vat?' barked Klemet, cracking open one eye to peer at me. 'Vat're you talken'abo't?' His accent was so heavy I had to stifle a laugh.

'Last night you said I had a Werewolf on my porch, so how did you know about Remus?' Remus wasn't really the one to spew out his close kept secrets to just anybody. And even if I had been with Klemet for a bit over two months, he was just that; an anybody.

'He told me,' said Klemet, yawning and stretching. His hard won muscles bulged under his tanned skin.

'And... you don't care?' I asked incredulously. I'd expect anyone to run for the hills the second they got to know they shared a house with a Werewolf. I wouldn't really have blamed him if he did.

'Nah, why should I? He's clever; he locks himself up. So no worries. He's a good guy.' Klemet rolled around and onto the side, his back to me. Not really feeling the conversation over I opened my mouth to continue prodding, but a pointed snore shut it again. Fine.

The burning liquid contemplated stopping up short in my throat, but decided to glide down meekly after all. I coughed a bit never the less.

'Are you drinking _now_?' asked Remus who had come shuffling into the kitchen. 'It's eleven in the morning.'

'A bit of whiskey is the best cure for a hangover,' I answered, my voice gruff after having downed it right from the bottle. Securing the cap I opened the cold-room and nestled it in together with the Jack Daniels and Jägermeister. 'Want some?' I asked, but Remus merely scoffed, not deigning it worthy of a real reply.

'You need to get a job,' he said instead. 'There has to be something out there for you.'

Feeling all the happiness and optimism following a relatively early morning crash down into the basement I shrugged a shoulder. Remus never stopped nagging me about getting a job. I had enough savings to manage pretty well, at least for now. I owned the house I lived in, so not too many expenses there and Dumbledore made sure I was kept busy. Remus was just projecting his own disappointments. He didn't like to see me happy when he couldn't be.

'Want to do something tonight?' I asked, trying to lighten the mood.

'What?' grumbled Remus, 'I am not going out drinking with you.'

'We don't have to drink,' I said, 'we could... I don't know... Maybe we could invite James, Peter and Lily for dinner or something? Or-...' I flapped my arms in a helpless way. I couldn't really come up with anything that didn't at least partially contain alcohol at some point.

Remus capitulated. 'Dinner sounds nice,' he said, a soft smile gracing his lips. They didn't reach his eyes. 'I'll firecall Peter, if you firecall James and Lily.' I nodded satisfied, feeling my previous optimism rise again. 'Are you inviting Klemet too?' asked Remus then. A few seconds passed where I stared mildly at him before remembering.

'Klemet?' I laughed, trying to cover over my blunder. 'No, let's just keep it to the old gang.'

Now that Remus had something to do, considering we were inviting for dinner and did not have a scrap of food in the entire house, I had some time to myself. Klemet had left earlier that morning as always, he didn't really like to stay, and it was a peaceful Sunday. The entire wizarding community of Great Britain and Ireland were sleeping off their collective hangover after the game. I seemed to be the sole exception there I paced restlessly in front of the kitchen window. I was being stupid. Of course he wouldn't show up, and even if he did, it wouldn't be so soon. Maybe he showed up with his entire Death Eater squad. Now that would have been something. I forced myself to sit down by the table and leafed through the morning's Prophet. Nothing new; merely the same old shit and propaganda typed up in rude, bold letter with an overflux of exclamation marks. I liked to think that my upbringing had made me able to view both sides of the now heavily split society with a bit of objectivity. I knew everything about the purebloods and old family, how they were concerned with pride, heritage and status. But I also knew how it was to be a young and excited Gryffindor eager to make the world a little better. The difference between me and my fellow comrades was that I knew _my_ concept of better wasn't shared by everyone. What we fought for would ultimately destroy everything the old families had struggled so long to hold onto. There didn't seem to be any middle way in this. One side would be eliminated.

The kitchen window had a view of the porch and the garden. Klemet was right; it _was_ littered with crap. It was a nice and quiet neighbourhood. I especially liked that the opposite houses were painted in happy orange, yellow and green. Large evergreens hung over the hedges and little children were hanging upside down in them, not a care in the world. I could vaguely hear their laughter. Phoenix Street was located near the town centre, if Godric's Hollow had anything like a centre. It was different than London. Brighter, happier and full of potential. That's what Remus liked to say, when he had gotten turned down for yet another internship. He had begun muttering about whether to get a muggle job. For a wizard of his calibre that was nothing short of an all-time low. It was a sad day when the Wizarding community couldn't take care of their own.

Dumbledore was featured in the papers again. His image twinkled and glittered at me even if it was in black and white. He spoke of unity and bravery and that it greatly moved him to see how people would fight together in times like this. I felt vaguely inspired but forgot it once I turned the page. In the sports pages there were of course a long and extensive article on the game fought yesterday. My heart skipped a beat when I saw the picture spread over two whole pages of Klemet scoring the winning goal. He was full concentration on the broomstick, his black and white Quidditch robes billowing around him. For the viewers' pleasure the picture was in slow motion and you could distinctly see every muscle tense in his body as he reared up and threw the quaffle. It went past the keeper and through the ring. There was instant victory on Klemet's face; he knew he would make it. It was a good article, the one writing it obviously a Quidditch enthusiast and didn't forget to give the Kenmare Kestrels their due tribute. I read the entire thing carefully, especially the closing paragraph about the after-party. Nothing more was said about it than it being a rowdy success. Good. I was not ready for any public attention to Klemet and mine- I supposed relationship.

I looked out the window again, scanning all the shadows I could see. I was being silly. Finally getting up from the table I decided it was about time I did something constructive. It was already after two in the afternoon. Where did all the hours go? As an afterthought I threw my gaze out the window for the hundredth time and stilled. I couldn't believe the tall, slender man on the other side of the road, slouched against the hedge wall, seeming to the entire world as if he was bored out of his mind. A group of children ran screaming past him but a girl and a boy stopped to strike up some sort of conversation. Severus had his arms folded. I couldn't see his face but I was sure he wasn't being too happy about it. Quickly I grabbed one of the self-refilling quills in the cup by the window and scribbled a hasty note to Remus on a piece of the newspaper:

"_Out for a walk. Back soon. Padfoot._"

Sneaking out the backdoor so that neither he nor the neighbours would see me, I crouched down into my dog-form. It was always curious to adjust to the new colour scheme. Dogs cared about completely different things than humans, and as such their eyesight was prioritized differently. I could pick up much smaller movements, but the depth was not as refined. Pat-pat went my clawed paws down the short steps down to the flagstone path. The grass was high and tickled the soft skin delightfully. I was acutely excited. I knew it was the acute feeling of "pack" in the dog instincts kicking in. "Returning pack member", it said. The human part of me balked at this. Yet I was feeling mischievous and began galloping full speed around the house. Coming to the street I didn't really bother to check for oncoming traffic. It was Sunday; of course there would be no cars out. The two children were still chatting with Severus; it seemed a rather one-sided conversation. I gave a loud bark, watching as the kids startled with delightful screams. They turned around gawping at the impossibly large, black dog that came running straight towards them, for all purposes intent on eating them alive. The boy began crying and it looked like the girl was about to start too, but found the protective instinct somewhere and grabbed a hold of what had to be her little brother's hand. They spurted down the sidewalk, screaming all the while. I backed up and gave one last bark at them, wagging my tail and panting. Returning my attention to Severus I found him plastered against the hedge wall, eyeing me with not just a bit of disdain and fear. I barked at him too. He drew in a quick breath and made an involuntary movement with his right hand. My dog mind regarded it as a threat and my human mind recognized as the prelude of drawing his wand. Severus was dressed as a muggle, a very non-descript muggle at that. Perhaps a bit out of fashion, but most people were: regular jeans with a too large shirt and a darker v-sweatshirt. I sniffed at him curiously; my ears peaked and tail wagging slowly. He smelled like dust, dead plants, sunshine, perspiration (but all humans did) and underneath it all; alcohol. Probably from the night before. He had to have been drunker than me last night, what with the alcohol still so heavy in his system.

Carefully he reached out a hand and softly poked me between the eyes. I accepted the manhandling. The poking finger slowly followed the direction of the hairs from my forehead and to the top of my head. I often went on little walks as a dog and was used to maltreatment by people just coming to terms with the fact that a huge canine might not want to eat them after all. Eventually Severus patted me gingerly with the whole of two fingers, but he drew the line there and cradled his hand to his body just to make sure I wouldn't chew it off.

'I didn't remember you to be quite so large,' he said. My head reached him nearly to the chest and I poked my nose into his soft sweatshirt and blew out hot hair. A small smile graced his lips, but faded quickly. 'Tosser,' he murmured. Snorting one last time I turned and began padding down the sidewalk. I had walked perhaps five or six meters before turning and finding that Severus hadn't moved from his spot. I barked. Slowly he withdrew from the wall and began following me. Around the corner and across the street again I knew there to be a large park. At this time on a Sunday it was bound to be full of families picnicking or just taking a stroll, but I knew of plenty of places that were private enough for a chat with your previous school nemesis.

My favourite spot was behind a large bush just at the end of the park. The bench was placed right in a nook, camouflaged at nearly every angle. The overgrowth of foliage around the area placed the spot in shadow, becoming less attractive for people who wished to enjoy the little sun a British summer gave. Severus was being slow and I had to turn around and run around him in excited circles barking loudly more than once. Unfortunately this only seemed to slow him further. Eventually we arrived and I rose up on two legs just as Severus fell down on the bench. Carefully he massaged his temples; he was probably still suffering a hangover. Remus could say what he wanted but that whiskey was a lifesaver.

'I didn't think you'd actually show up,' I panted, throwing myself down next to him.

'You came quick enough to give the appearance of having kept a lookout,' said Severus snidely, looking at me from the corner of his eye. 'You were so obvious last night it tickled my curiosity. And again when I read the sports pages this morning I remembered the man slobbering all over you. Quite daring of you to be so open, but I suppose that's Gryffindors for you.'

'Heh... I am not usually that open,' I answered and to my surprise felt embarrassed. It wouldn't really matter much to me whether my sexuality got broadcasted, but I knew it could jeopardize Klemet's position on the team. Trying for a diversion I bumped Severus playfully on the arm. He finally turned with a raised eyebrow and looked me up and down. I grinned at him.

'What?' he asked.

'You just couldn't stay away,' I said, trying not to sound as victorious as I felt. Severus grew quiet and looked away again.

'Well...' he said at length pretending to be intently studying his nails, 'I guess I do have some masochistic tendencies.'

'Couldn't you just have said something along the lines of "oh but Sirius, it's because you're so devilishly handsome and charming, I just can't stay away!"' I asked, gratified to hear the soft snort of humour.

'I might be a Slytherin, but I don't lie unless I have to,' he retaliated easily. 'Actually, I am still interested in knowing my status with you.'

'Your status with me...?'

'Yes dunderhead. You're privy to some very delicate information regarding my person.'

'Regarding your... person?'

'For fuck's sake you saw me at the manor a couple of weeks ago,' huffed Severus, losing his patience. 'Since the aurors haven't hauled me off to Azkaban yet I am assuming it's because you've kept your mouth shut about it.'

'What do _you_ think I was doing at the manor?' I asked carefully, trying to read something from Severus' closed off expression. All I could really recognize there was annoyance and disgust, but perhaps just a tinge of apprehension.

'Order of the Phoenix,' he said, forcing my heartbeat to an abrupt standstill before it began pumping ferociously again. 'You work for Dumbledore, don't you?'

'I-I don't know what you're talking about.'

Severus snorted. From where we sat you could faintly hear the loud screams of laughter from children playing and hopefully making good memories. 'Your organization isn't as secret as you'd like to think,' he said. 'So obviously I am wondering why you haven't done anything yet.'

'Are you sure you're a Slytherin?' I asked and stared at him dumbfounded. He turned his black gaze to me, a slight arch of the brow the only question mark he needed to make. I elaborated: 'You think you're in danger, so instead of scurrying underneath a rock and waiting until it's passed you go straight to the source? That's Gryffindor tactics, not Slytherin.'

He curled his upper lip in disgust. 'There's no reason for you to be so rude,' he commented, 'I haven't been calling you names.'

'Yes you have!' I countered, 'you've called me a dunderhead and a tosser and-'

'That is not name-calling; that is merely stating the truth.'

'Whatever,' I finally breathed in defeat. There was just no use engaging Severus in an argument. He merely did it to throw me off so that he might sneak out an answer or two in between jibes. 'You don't really know what _I_ did at the manor, and I don't really know what _you_ did at the manor. Let's just leave it at that.'

My answer must have startled him because he promptly shut his mouth and kept silent for a long while. Carefully he looked me up and down, seemingly seeing me properly for the first time since we met. He was taking in my torn jeans, tattered t-shirt and dirty boots. I hadn't bothered to comb my hair that morning, nor deal with the dark blue shadow from the beard. 'You-...' began Severus, but hesitated before continuing on. 'You have changed.'

I shrugged casually, mulling the words over in my mind. Severus wasn't the type to say such things unless he meant something by them. What would he care if I had changed, and even if I had, in what ways? 'Well, so have you,' I merely muttered, 'we grow up, don't we?'

'Rue the day I'd actually acknowledge you for an adult,' said Severus, back to his bantering. It should have irked me, perhaps, but it really didn't differ much from the name-calling and teasing we Marauders did to each other. Severus might hit the sore spot one too many times, true, and he had a way of saying it that gave you the distinct feeling his spit actually might be venomous, but I would have laughed if he said it to anyone else.

'So I'll stay a kid forever, then, if I just stick by you,' I said, 'I don't see how that can be so bad.'

'Like Peter Pan,' murmured Severus before he narrowed his eyes and leaned in closer to me. I wasn't entirely certain what he did, but after a few seconds he straightened up again. 'You're still drunk,' he stated. It was not a question. I shrugged again. I didn't think I was drunk, I didn't feel like it, but I had downed a few good mouthfuls of whiskey a couple of hours ago, so why not. 'Obviously I am not going to get anything constructive out of you,' he hissed and got up from the bench. Taking another stride he was just about to apparate when I jumped up and took a hold of his wrist. With a tug I pulled him back to me. He unbalanced and fell heavily in to my chest, but before I could get a better grip he pushed and stumbled backwards. 'What the fuck Black?' he hissed, righting himself again, trying his best to regain composure.

'I am not done talking to you yet,' I said slightly urgently and winded. I knew I didn't want to see him go yet, but I didn't know why.

'Like hell you are,' he spat, '_I _am done dealing with fucks like _you_.' The North English tilt coloured his speech heavily. To my surprise both his fists were clenched at his sides; I would have expected a wand pointing at my nose a long time ago. To postpone such a happening I raised my own hands, palms forward, to show I was unarmed. Severus merely narrowed his eyes again.

'It was a long night last night, alright?' I tried to placate, 'I've just not had the opportunity to sober up completely.' Quickly I lunged for his arm again, revelling in the feeling of his wiry muscles twisting as he tried to retract it. 'Calm down,' I said, trying to catch his black eyes, 'you're as wily as a snake.'

'Let go of me Black,' he said quietly, deadly. He was staring me full force in the face. He must have had a growing spurt sometime between sixth year and now, for when he previously hardly reached me to my shoulder we were now nearly at a height. His shoulders had broadened together with his chest and jaw. A man with power. I could feel it under the layers of clothes radiating at me. Power and so much anger. Too late I let go of the arm I was holding and tried to step back. The fist collided with my face with a crunch and my head snapped back painfully. My teeth bit down hard on the inside of the cheek and my lips got spattered with blood as I called out in pain and surprise. Something in me darkened. With a growl I pushed him hard, but he seemed to have anticipated it and grabbed a hold of the front of my t-shirt so that I fell to the ground with him. Scrambling up again I was just a little too late and a foot collided with my chest. The kick had so much momentum that it threw me backwards. I landed on my back with a thud and I was now completely out of air. In a rush Severus was on top of me, teeth bared and strong fingers clamping down on my windpipe. I sputtered, clawing at his arm trying to get it off me, but the lack of air made me weak. Trashing under him I coughed and wheezed. Somehow I managed to tangle my legs in between his and with a last desperate effort I moved sharply to the right. As luck would have it, this was just enough to loosen the grip around my throat and I rolled away. My lungs screamed for air and I tried to gulp it down, but the trauma to my windpipe still had it clamped down tight. Coughing hard once or twice I sat up on my knees, prepared to fight off whatever rage Severus had yet to dish out, but he was still lying on the ground, twigs and leaves stuck in his long hair. He was breathing heavily too, his left hand clenching and unclenching. The knuckles were already beginning to adopt a shade of blue. He must have hit me hard. Moving my jaw experimentally I could hear a tiny little click. Nearly disjointed.

'You sick bitch,' I breathed, my voice raspy. It _hurt_, damn it.

'You're one to talk,' retaliated Severus, his chest heaving. I couldn't have been more spent if we'd had vigorous sex there on the ground except I was a lot hornier. The sensation of burning pain in the chest and the tightening of my jeans were awkward, startling and not just a little bit confusing.

'You fight like a muggle,' I said, vocal chords straining and forcing me to cough raggedly. It felt like barbed wire was being dragged up and down my throat. I was hot.

'Yes,' conceded Severus, 'and you fight like a girl.' He still hadn't gotten up from the ground. Giving him a once over I realized it was because he was in the same predicament as myself. Definitely the strangest foreplay I had ever experienced.

Letting my urges dictate me I leaned down, softly touching Severus' stomach with the back of my hand, but before I could explore any further he rolled around and sat up. With a bit of difficulty he scrambled up on his feet, brushing off earth and leaves from his clothes and hair. I looked up at him, and because I couldn't stand the thought of seeing him walk away, I crouched into a dog and whined softly. I hadn't meant to do the latter. Severus stopped and looked down at me. It felt more alright for someone to look down on you when you were a dog; you knew you could wring their neck all the way around if you wanted to.

'Get back to your Quidditch star boyfriend,' said Severus. With a pop he apparated and I whined again, feeling very sorry for myself.


End file.
